So i have spent my morning bettering myself on the outside...tryin to get myself in to shape and physically prepare  myself  for my trip t the underworld..lol..aka the pen..lol..ya know sometime i think its easier t wirk in the mental and emotion stuff then the phyicall stuff,lol .but it is only day one and i imagine i will be extreamly sore tomorrow but it will be all worth it ..i might as well start workin out now that way when i go in i wont be so lazy to get to the gym..lol...and if i start doing what i will be doing in the out here it may be a better transition. possibly i am hoping..

 its been a while and im just startung to co,e into my simgle hood after being with someone for four years it was a hard adjustment to be a single girl again...and now that i am officailly adjusted and more than comfortable beng single and not tacked on to some one and able to do what i want i have to re readjust when i get out again..arrg..what a four years i have ahead of me ..miserable i tell ya miserable...i dunno what imma do.,,ill get through it...my luck i die in jail and never be able to enjoy my single hood .

 not that i want to be single forever i just want some me time and i want to be with someone i am compatable with and can live with in trust...my ex definitally destroyed all immediate trust i use to have appon meeting someone ..and being single ive learn  that it becoming less and less than people are sdtayin faithfull to each other these days..which in turn make me even more cautious on who if i do start a realatioship with..so yea i guess its the waiting game i aint looking for anyting if shyt happens then it happens..but ill be on gaurd when it does and i may even pity the next guy that gets with me because of the extensive mind fuk my ex put me through..but what  ever it is what it is,,and alothough i can forgive the jerk face ..lool i cannot forget any of it..and it will forvere keep me on gaurd....

 ok so how did i end up on that subject..wowsers deep deep stuff right there eh..hahah

 anyway ..if ya havnt noticedi  think its about that u do cuz life aint gonna be all peach n keen when ur an adult and have been to rock bottom more than once ..some times i thuink i am ment to be at the bottom of the sea to catch all the bullshtt life has thrown out

..hahah sometime mabey im to hard on myself...sometimes mabey i deserve it,,all i know what ever u am suppse to be and what ever u am supposet o di in life it better be good and it better be worth all the shyt i have done and had happen to me...grrrrrr..lol

well that is all for today...good bye ppl

a time to get bossy

decicions cant be made on a unjustifiable  circumstace u must take life as it comes ..everything happens for a reason and no matterr what the outcome u have to hope for a light at the tend of the tuneeel..thats the way i have to look at my life if theres not then may god help me mot fall to pieces..
   after its all said and odne and the drama is over i have to hope for a pice of me to be able to survive the hardness that is about to present itself to me!! the one place i swore i would never go bk to because i wanted my freedom and needed it so much..a place where noting matters and everything is phoney and unreal..dont get me wrong i met aot of great women in there...and alot i am freinds with to this day...
argg the stuation i get myself into
 that all for now

FUK

Ya know it really hit me today as to what i have to deal with ,four years of my life is going to be taken from me and its my own fault four years of my chikdrens life takin from me ..ive missed so much in there life as it is and just when thing start to look up i am torn down by my own stupidity and selfish easy quick fix....y did i have to take the easy road out..well subconsciously i think i thought i deserved it.i thought that loosing my daughter and my husban and my children in four and ahalf year i deserves an easy out a quick way to get on top of the world there was alot more than that but i dont have the time to sit here and bitch about my ex and our past cuz god knows that can take up a hole days worth of typing and thats not what this is about..this is about my reaization of the fuk up i actually created by tryin to take the easy way out..im not the only one effected i have a sick mother i have 3 boys that need me in there life i have family tha loves me and i have the greatest real friends in the world that have been here for me since i met them..real friends that didnt run when i needed them and didnt judge me in my time of tormanet.

the most inprortatnt thing in my life is my children everyonemay think it was the money that made me do what i did ..but in realization it was me finding out i was pregnet and not being able to hold a job down and looking for a quick fix to get on my feet..it was never done for the money it was done so i could be able to keeo the child i was carring..subsequently doing what i did made me loose him..thank the lord it was to my sister and i am still in his life the most i can .. ironic isnt it

ive never been able to make my own luck in life....i dont know if it is karma gettin bk at me for all the fuk up in my life that i have created under numerous cicumstances ..god what i have i done with my life and well it really get better after all this is said and done and in 4 year when im 30 and off parole will it all really be different,,,god i can only hope

u take so much for greanted in life and u dont even realize u are takin it for granted  intill its takin from you.

what a  thought process i got going on..this has been one of the first time i have been unsure about being able to accept..i dont wanna adapt to these surrounding i will be finding myself in as that mean i am adapting to a lifestyle that really isnt me,,,

i got lots to think about and i need lots of advice and i neeed lots of prayers..

i need to come to a realization with this shyt on way or the other ..cuz if not then i may age more than i should in the next four year,,,

i gotta find a way to cope

some random shyt!!

Well it has been a week or two since i last posted..and might i add at the moment i got new nails on and i am having ahrd time typin so i am curious to see how many mistakes i will make...oh and i also have to remind krystle about doing her krystles corner....cough cough miss krystle we are getting sloppy..lol..

 

ive been doing alot of thinking ..mainly i think cuz i got so much alone time on my hand..im starting to think how amazing it actually is that i find myself in the situations that i find myself in.. such a hassle ..everything that i do i need to think about nowadays,..cuz i am going away for the next four years ..and i am going to be missing out on alot and i will have so much to make up for when i am finally free again...

 at this exact moment it is the 27  of april  at 6:49..and i am awaiting the hockey game to start at 8 ..montreal and boston game 7..nothing like keep in ya on ur feet geesh!!

so much going through my head ..cant think striagh some days tryin to wrap all this shyt around my head and keep it all on a reality  basic..fukin hard to manage at some points..

i think i am a very REAL person i see things always in two..there are always two sides to a story..away two sides to every siutation..noone is gonna feel the exact same as another person..everyone experiences pain ..but noone experiences that same pain..there is more to individuality then just tryin to stand out in a crowd..ive learn growing up and going through early teenage hood, and being a teenager..god thise are truly shapin years of a person, and high school;and bullys and being a bully and tryin to figure out where to belong.become an adukt and strugglin on how thong really should be,.to having children and experiencing the change that ur body and emotions go through as a women..nothing is ever easy in life ..ive learn that if it was easy it wouldnt be worth it..kinda like child birth ..lol..i dont think a man could relate to that so mabey i should put it a hockey game if it doesnt keep u on your toes its not worth watchin in the end u feel disappointed !

well i will end this blogaroonie for the moment and leave it at this..

i am at peace with my consqences but that doesnt mean they dont suck

 xoxo

Tiff