FUK

Ya know it really hit me today as to what i have to deal with ,four years of my life is going to be taken from me and its my own fault four years of my chikdrens life takin from me ..ive missed so much in there life as it is and just when thing start to look up i am torn down by my own stupidity and selfish easy quick fix....y did i have to take the easy road out..well subconsciously i think i thought i deserved it.i thought that loosing my daughter and my husban and my children in four and ahalf year i deserves an easy out a quick way to get on top of the world there was alot more than that but i dont have the time to sit here and bitch about my ex and our past cuz god knows that can take up a hole days worth of typing and thats not what this is about..this is about my reaization of the fuk up i actually created by tryin to take the easy way out..im not the only one effected i have a sick mother i have 3 boys that need me in there life i have family tha loves me and i have the greatest real friends in the world that have been here for me since i met them..real friends that didnt run when i needed them and didnt judge me in my time of tormanet.

the most inprortatnt thing in my life is my children everyonemay think it was the money that made me do what i did ..but in realization it was me finding out i was pregnet and not being able to hold a job down and looking for a quick fix to get on my feet..it was never done for the money it was done so i could be able to keeo the child i was carring..subsequently doing what i did made me loose him..thank the lord it was to my sister and i am still in his life the most i can .. ironic isnt it

ive never been able to make my own luck in life....i dont know if it is karma gettin bk at me for all the fuk up in my life that i have created under numerous cicumstances ..god what i have i done with my life and well it really get better after all this is said and done and in 4 year when im 30 and off parole will it all really be different,,,god i can only hope

u take so much for greanted in life and u dont even realize u are takin it for granted  intill its takin from you.

what a  thought process i got going on..this has been one of the first time i have been unsure about being able to accept..i dont wanna adapt to these surrounding i will be finding myself in as that mean i am adapting to a lifestyle that really isnt me,,,

i got lots to think about and i need lots of advice and i neeed lots of prayers..

i need to come to a realization with this shyt on way or the other ..cuz if not then i may age more than i should in the next four year,,,

i gotta find a way to cope